On a city tour bus in Dublin.
— This is is the stop for the Guinness beer store.
— Please remain seated until the bus STOPS (near the Guinness beer factory, Dublin)
A local lady in Galway, Ireland.
— If you don’t like the weather please wait a minute!
Having a meal with an English family.
Mother is passing the son cream asking him to open it to use with the cake. He does it, covering the top again. The conversation is going on smoothly. Mother, thinking the cream isn’t open yet shakes it and it splashes on her top. She holds a pause then goes to the sink to wash it all away. We continue talking. Then after she says: «Andrew, next time you open it please leave the top open for me so that I could see you’ve already done it.»
Andrew: «But Mum, when you asked me to open it I thought you meant it?»
Mum: » But when you saw I was going to shake it you understood I was going to open it?»
Andrew: «Yes, but I was busy keeping the conversation going at that moment…»
Watching Telly with the English family.
— Wife: «My husband thinks this series is rubbish, so we watch it when he is away».
In the underground. (at Waterloo)
— Please tell me which is the quickest way to get to Barbican tube station?
— Well, this is very confusing… If you don’t want to change go to Baker Street station change and then get to Barbican. If you want it shorter go to Embankment then change for District line, then go to the Monument then change…
— Oh, no! I don’t want to change!
In the Royal Albert Hall.
The conductor of King’s College Choir of Cambridge in the Royal Albert Hall addressing the public:
— Men sing the men’s part, women sing the women’s. If you want to sing all the time, it doesn’t matter.
In front of the Buckingham Palace.
A family of 5: father , mother and 3 teenage girls stop suddenly. One of the girls takes off one boot and showing her sock to everybody says: «Look, I’ve got a whole in it!»
Her Mum says:» Ok,honey, you should take it off as soon as you come home.» One of the other sisters yells: » By the way, they used to be my socks!!!»
BA 237 London — Moscow.
1. The captain:
— It’s a bit chilly in Moscow. The thermometer shows minus 28.
2. The captain:
— Sorry to say that we are about 10 minutes delayed as 2 passengers are nowhere to be seen in the airport…
Внимание, пассажир Дракула, прибывший из Лондона рейсом 237, следующий в Краснодар, пожалуйста, подойдите за своим багажом.